Most of us are taught from an early age to treat other people with kindness. Growing up, I was expected to consider others' needs, help out, and offer words of encouragement when someone was experiencing a difficult time. Platitudes like ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’ and ‘sharing is caring’ have presented themselves repeatedly in different life stages and settings, stressing the importance of being a source of positivity in other people’s lives. I’m sure I’m not alone in this experience.

Why, then, is it normalized for us to bully ourselves? Why do we treat others with love and care but struggle to extend that same love and care to ourselves?

In my own life, I tend to meet struggles and mistakes with criticism or pressure to be better. Phrases like “you suck at this” or “you can’t do anything right” or “this is why no one likes you” are on regular rotation in my internal dialogue. I would never consider saying something like this to another person who came to me for support, yet I meet my own challenges with negative self-talk.

This realization got me thinking: Why do I deserve criticism during difficult times if I would never address others in this way? In search of a solution to this discrepancy, I discovered self-compassion.

What is self-compassion?

Self compassion is, essentially, treating yourself the way you would treat another person you care about. One of the primary self-compassion researchers, Dr. Kirsten Neff, identifies self-compassion as a way to meet our own hardship with support and understanding; life isn’t perfect and neither are we, so one way to cope with this imperfection is by meeting our own shortcomings with acceptance and warmth rather than criticism (“What Is Self-Compassion?,” n.d.).

When I consider how I would speak to someone I care about when they come to me with a struggle, I might offer words of encouragement like “you’ve got this,” “I know things are hard right now, but they will get better,” and “making one mistake doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.” I would use a soothing soft voice to convey my concern for their wellbeing. I also may offer a hug or a hand on their shoulder.

But do I do these things for myself? Rarely. In fact, sometimes I’m my own biggest bully.

To be a better support for myself, especially during my last year of my undergraduate degree, I decided to try self-compassion, rather than resorting to my critical tendencies. I am happy to share that so far, I’ve noticed it’s made difficult moments easier to navigate.

When I use self-compassion, I try to include three elements identified by Dr. Neff: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness (“What Is Self-Compassion?,” n.d.).

Mindfulness

Mindfulness involves bringing awareness to what’s happening in the present moment. Often we forget to pay attention to our current circumstances and internal sensations. Also, many of us avoid our negative feelings because they can be uncomfortable. Mindfulness helps us be more realistically aware of the present moment. When we recognize what’s going on, we become better equipped to manage more effectively.

In my life, for example, when writing a paper, I may be sitting in my chilly apartment, typing on my keyboard. Maybe I’m feeling slightly nervous, my heart beating a bit faster than normal. Mindfulness can also simply be an acknowledgement that “this moment is hard” or “this hurts.”

Common Humanity

The next element of self-compassion, common humanity, encourages us to connect with others by reflecting on similarities we share as humans. If we’ve made a mistake or are struggling, we are likely not the first person to have this experience, but distress can often make us feel alone. It can be helpful, in these moments, to remind ourselves that we are in fact, not alone. Distress is a part of the human condition: everyone makes mistakes or experiences negative emotions sometimes.

When I’m writing a paper, for example, I could remind myself that others experience anxiety and feel that their writing isn’t good enough. I could also simply tell myself that “I am not alone in this.”

Self-kindness

The last element, self-kindness, involves using words, tone, and physical actions that convey care. These phrases can include any kind words we might find supportive during difficult times. Many people struggle to identify self-kindness phrases- one way to manage this struggle is by thinking about what they say to others in a difficult time. Self-compassion experts also suggest using a soft tone of voice or a comforting touch like a hand on the arm or a self-hug.

For example, while writing a paper, I may remind myself that I am capable of writing great papers and that I am working hard to achieve my goals.

Using self-compassion

To start using self-compassion I found it helpful to pay attention to the moments when I was most critical of myself. Then, I tried to identify a self-compassion statement that could be used in those moments. I found it can be helpful to have a few go-to statements pre-prepared to use during difficult times.

I also started a self-compassion journal to incorporate it into my daily routine. This helped me regularly reflect on hard moments from my day using the elements above. Now, self-compassion has become a habit.

The website self-compassion.org was also a helpful resource for me. It offers free learning materials, self-compassion practices, and even a quiz to test your level of self-compassion.

Self-compassion has helped me address myself in more supportive ways during hard times. I feel more confident, capable of overcoming challenges, and more motivated to accomplish difficult tasks. My experience is anecdotal and may not apply to you, but my hope is that by sharing my experience, others may be able to use self-compassion principles to be better emotional supports for themselves.

Reference

What is Self-Compassion? (n.d.). Self-Compassion. Retrieved November 30, 2024, from https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/

Author Bio
Olivia Tiessen (she/her) is in her fifth year at the University of Alberta, finishing off her Bachelor of Science (Hons) in Psychology. This is her first year volunteering with the Peer Support Centre. When she isn’t busy with schoolwork, Olivia enjoys watching dramatic reality television shows and reading sad literary fiction novels.