Imagine this. You are sitting in your class. You are anxiously waiting for the TA to bring your marked midterm to you. You see the mark out of 29. Frantically, you grab your phone and find out your percentage. It’s a decent grade, but you could do better. You then use an online GPA calculator to see what grade you would need to get an A+ in this class. It’s manageable, but what if I can’t maintain this grade? Your thoughts trail off into a million different scenarios of how this could all go wrong.
Have you ever experienced this type of mental gymnastics? I know I do on a daily basis. It can be so exhausting to have your mind chronically on the go.
As someone who constantly strives to improve myself, I find myself very frustrated no matter what I accomplish. While the things I do can be good, they could always be better. Personally, this feeling is especially prevalent in my academic life. I feel unbalanced with my grades and tiptoeing around my academics because I feel that it could all collapse with one failed exam. These feelings get even worse when I’m balancing my personal life, trying to support others, and lacking sleep. On top of this, I struggle with comparing myself to others. It gets difficult to leave these thoughts because of how our environments can be. Sometimes there is an expectation to always seem on the ball and put together. How will I ever live up? How will I ever compare? How can I ever be proud of myself? What can I do to be better? The thoughts of how I can always improve cloud my mind and zap me of my joy. Instead of being proud of my accomplishments, I find myself miserable, irritated and just plain tired.
When your environment is constantly demanding more of you, it only makes sense that you would unconsciously learn to judge your every move. I find myself dissatisfied with my achievements. As someone who has plans to apply to grad school, I find myself placing additional pressure to perform well academically, or to do even more to add to my CV. As a result of my fear of failure and not being good enough, I am constantly running myself to the ground. I am always on the go, never seeming to be able to catch a break. I get overwhelmed very easily and become more short in my interactions. I also find that I lack self-compassion and the ability to pause in life and enjoy the moment. I get stuck in my thoughts and spiral into everything going wrong or that could go wrong.
At the Peer Support Centre (PSC), we often ask folks about their situation’s worst and best-case scenarios. Having the current situation framed by this question can make it easier to be more objective and be less overwhelmed. It can also help to create a plan for both outcomes.
For example, if I do fail this quiz, what would be the worst outcome? A lower grade? Perhaps my overall GPA dips a bracket? What could I do about that?
What could be the best outcome? I get a 100 on the quiz? I do not need to worry as hard for the next quiz?
The best/worst case scenario question can give us space to distance ourselves from our big feelings and gives room to be able to think. I often ask myself this question to help me to think more realistically. Sometimes, my anxious thoughts can lead me away from what is actually happening around me versus what I am perceiving is happening.
In my experience, this question helps me to add perspective by asking myself, “What would you say to a friend?” Often, we get clouded by our own personal biases against ourselves. It can be very easy to become our own worst enemy and lose sight of the situation. I know I am definitely more harsh on myself than I am with my loved ones. By asking this question, we can gain some self-compassion and more clarity in a situation that we wouldn’t have otherwise without this reframing. We can step out of our inner-critic and be a bit more kind to ourselves.
Finally, self-care! Traditionally, self-care is associated with things like a face mask. However, this is not the case! Self-care could be going into your community and connecting with others. It could be doing a kind act for another. It could even just simply be doing a hard thing you were putting off. Self-care may not always be easy, and that is okay! If you are one to have trouble thinking of self-care activities (I know I am), there is a Self Care Wheel exercise that we have at the PSC that can be helpful to brainstorm different ways to take care of yourself. There are some hard copies outside our room in SUB, alongside other resources you may find helpful, as well as online versions on our website.
Dealing with the constant thoughts of inadequacy can be demoralizing and tiring. If you ever are struggling with perfectionism, have any concerns about unattainable standards, or simply want to chat with another person, the PSC volunteers would love to listen. If you have any questions regarding our services, our email is psc@uasu.ca. If you would like to book an appointment, you can do so here or you can drop in at our centre in SUB 2-707. You got this.
Author Bio:
Alyssa Ma is a 6th year student studying her Bachelor’s of Arts in Psychology. When she is not studying, or volunteering at PSC, you can find her napping in SUB, exploring Edmonton’s coffee scene, or figuring out how to move somewhere warmer.